Ducky Diaries: "We're pissed!" A look at a moment with disability

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

"We're pissed!" A look at a moment with disability

It started innocently enough, we stopped by our neighbor's house. They were having a yard sale.

It just so happened that at this yard sale there were 3 plastic baseball bats and 2 plastic hockey sticks.

Anyone who knows my son knows his love/obsession of owning groups of things.... So he had to have them. And hold them immediately. All of them. All the sticks. All. Of. The. Sticks.

We stayed awhile to talk, because if you know me, you know that is what I do. Talk.

Out of nowhere Bear dropped the sticks. Everyone scrambled to pick them back up for him. I asked if I could hold some and he shook his head no.

He dropped them again. Still a firm no on me holding any.

Then he dropped them once more.

It's very difficult to balance 5 plastic sticks of various lengths on your lap while perched in a wheel chair.

He dropped them again.

And that's when it started. The tears. He covered his little face with his hands and lost it.

My neighbor, her daughter,  my daughter, and myself scurried across the street to my house. Me pushing a crying distraught Bear. Them carrying the offending bats and sticks and other treasures.

Once inside I closed the door and helped Bear out of his chair onto the living room floor where he flailed around screaming and crying. I took his new toys to his room hoping that that would help but it did not.

So I picked him up and carried him into his room where he climbed into my lap and clung to me screaming.

As I rocked him I thought "Why is he screaming?! Did he get stung by a bee?" I looked him over head to toe. There has to be a reason for this..... No sting , bite, scratch of any kind.

As I replayed the scene over in my head it hit me. If all I wanted to do was hold something and I kept dropping it without the ability to pick it back up myself- or hell, even the ability to NOT drop it, I would be pissed.  So as I sat there looking at my sweet angry child I began to cry.

Soon we were both laying on his bedroom floor crying, because this is what happens sometimes when navigating this life of ours.

 I looked at him and said "Bubby, I get it. If my body couldn't do what I told it to do or wanted it to do I would be pissed!"

He looked at me.

"I'm pissed for you! I'm sorry your body doesn't work the way mine does or your sister or friends. I'm sorry that you have to work so hard and nothing is easy. I'm so pissed for you!"

"Mommy's pissed off! "

His eyes widened.

"Is that how you feel bub? Are you pissed off right now?"

Big wide eyes.
He looked at me.
*Head nod*

"You know what- you can say it. You can say the grown up word, if that's how you feel you can say it right now and not get in trouble."

*Wet tear covered cheeks. *

"Sissed", out it came in the quietest sweetest voice.  And that was that.

I love this boy of mine. My heart shattered in that instant. This shattering happens quite often. It wasn't the first time and definitely won't be the last. He's 6 now and as he gets older things are becoming more complex. There are times when crying and saying the 'grown up' words are all we can do to get through a tough moment.

Living with a disabilty is hard. Sometimes you just want to hold a f#$@ing bat and not drop it.

The end.

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