Ducky Diaries: Gone Girl, not like the book.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Gone Girl, not like the book.

September 28th, 2016.

That is the last time I touched my blog. The last time I wasn't pretending to be funny or genuinely happy. The last time I wasn't forcing a smile or drinking a glass of wine to achieve it.

 Usually I prattle on about being super busy and yada yada yada when I've dipped for months but...... The truth is, most of the time when I disappear either metaphorically or literally it's because of my mental illness.

 My anxiety disorder: it changes shapes and costumes every few years but its song and dance are always the same. It's the friend that really isn't a friend but I've known them so long I can't get away from. As I like to call it "My Dark Passenger", you know, from Dexter, because it's always there just beneath the surface and then, BAM , it threatens to take me under unless I give in.
 Except, a lot less serial killer-ish, because I'm not a serial killer, and my anxiety doesn't turn me into a serial killer..... Wow, I sound convincing. Like, hey come to my Holiday party, I won't kill you, I promise. HAHAHAHAHH...... No? Not funny?  

Okay so to be clear, not a serial killer just mentally ill, but not in a serial killer way.  Super convincing Ducky, smooth.

I am legitimately anxious though, and obsessive, like a lot. Even right now. When I drive I think about an accident resulting in the death of myself, or my children. Yesterday while outside with Zo I had a thought of dying from something instantaneous and her being left outside to wander in the cold and who would pick Bear up from school and OH MY GAWD GET INSIDE AND PUT HER IN A BUBBLE WITH FOOD JUST IN CASE! 
Or the hour before Tom comes home I start worrying that he won't come home.....   And my heart starts racing.  Or you read a blog post about a mom that ran into oncoming traffic during a panic attack and killed herself. And then you start freaking out because you realize that this crap isn't a joke, it's not harmless, you're just so used to living with it that you think you can handle it, when maybe you can't. Not alone. Not when it's this bad and this heavy, because it really could swallow you whole.

This is what it's like to live with intrusive thoughts. It's not fun, not even a little bit, and you the person dealing with them knows they are not rational thoughts and that most people do not think or live this way.  And it's super un-helpful when well meaning people tell you to not think that way or to "just stop being anxious and choose to be happy.", because yes, all those that suffer and battle their own minds everyday are a bunch of over dramatic fakers who need to chill out.
(We absolutely love our muscles being a matted ball of tension, our necks aching from the strain, our rapid heartbeats, racing thoughts, being irritable and snapping at everyone, not feeling happy, and getting to the point where you either feel numb or panicky. )  

But it's getting better, I'm getting better. I haven't woken up having a panic attack in a few weeks. I'm still not sleeping through any night (haven't since vacation) but not having panic attacks at 3 a.m. every morning and running up and down my driveway in a leopard print robe freaking out is a start.  

Side-note * I try to rehearse what I would say to the police officer in the event that someone were to call and report the crazy lady running around our property at 4 in the morning. So far I've come up with just telling the truth but honestly that looks super sketchy and I'll be tossed in a holding cell, so if you ever get a call from me at like 5 a.m. , pick up, I'm in jail because of a panic attack. 

So yea, been a real fun few months living in anxiety world. The rides all suck, the food is bad, and I want to go home but this is what happens when we don't take care of ourselves emotionally and physically. This is what happens when our stress levels get too high. We crash and spiral into Anxiety World. This is what happens when we take on too much without help.
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Krista P said...

Love you and your sincerity.

Ducky said...

Thank you love. This is a fact of life for so many of us. Dealing with it is hard enough, but feeling like we have to hide it too?