Ducky Diaries: Me, myself, and my disturbed brain.

Friday, November 6, 2015

Me, myself, and my disturbed brain.

The human psyche is delicate. 

Or in the very least that is what we as a species is lead to believe, but in reality the human psyche is amazingly complex. It has the ability to adapt to it's surroundings. The ability to re-route itself onto a different path than originally intended. 

So, this blog post is starting off a little different than most of my mommy themed rants. Well.... Yes. LoL but it will come full circle I promise.

As I've been getting to know some new family I'm becoming painfully aware of myself. And my differences or unique personality traits, to put it nicely. 

One of those things being my tell it like I see it / brash/ no filter personality. I'm not a venturing being. I'm in fact a creature of habit. I find comfort in keeping my world small. 
I find my tight cliques extremely comforting and one of the many reasons is that my personality is pretty quirky and at times abrasive. I say things that most people would not dare say out loud. The things most people think but keep to themselves. And sticking with the same people for long periods gives me the comfort of knowing my friends know exactly where my mind is and consequently, who I am because my cards have been on the table for a very long time. 

Sometimes I happen to make jokes about wanting to shake my kids, or drop them off at the fire station, or sell them on ebay. Truth is, anyone that knows me knows I am head over heels in love with my children. I'm positive that without them I would stop breathing.  They are beautiful miracles, simply put.

But child abuse is not funny, so why do I make jokes about such a horrible topic?
For me as a person who has survived extreme trauma, the things that are and are not "appropriate" to say are lost on me. 

When confronted with severe psychological trauma the psyche will respond in one of two ways, it will re-route and change or it will break.  

As someone who's psychological trauma came at the hands of her own biological mother, I can honestly say that the chemistry and thought pattern of my brain changed dramatically to survive intact.

To survive I gave way to my new personality which ensured an emotionally healthy stable life. To make light of the horrible things that happened is weirdly a way to take back control, to say "I won, I'm okay! I'm still here!". 

And also I've learned since becoming a parent that there is an importance to talk about the thing's most new mother's are too afraid to speak up about. To joke about such dark things (such as child abuse or various forms of postpartum issues involving mental health) gives an overwhelmed mother who may have stumbled upon this site a moment to realize she is in safe company and not alone. She can share and be assured that parenthood is frustrating at times on incomprehensible levels. Feeling frustrated is normal. Being a good mother is putting your child down and walking away at times. 

So, with ALL of this being said, I'm learning as I get older to stop apologizing for my off hand, totally non P.C., *gasp* "I can't believe she just said that!" jokes. 

And to be happy with who I am even when I get sideways glances of shock, because I came out the other side of child abuse a different person than when I went in. 

However because of that I will forever see and respond to the world in a different way than most, and that's okay.....

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