Ducky Diaries: November 2015

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Parenthood: A series of unfortunate events

 Post shower conversation with my angelic preshuz bee-bee:

Zo- "Mommy, you have a big vagina. I see it! It's big!"

Me (the unsuspecting prey)- " What?!?!?!?!??!"

Zo- "You have a big vagina."

Me- "Um, well, thanks I suppose. " 

Zo- " And I have a big vagina, and Bubby has a big vagina, and daddy has a BIG VAGINA!"


And then all of the sudden I was transported onto the Oprah stage.




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Sunday, November 15, 2015

Surprise Eggs

 For anyone who has no idea as to what 'Surprise Eggs' are, let me enlighten you in the ways of this you-tube phenomenon.  Videos of hands opening plastic eggs filled with surprises, that's the big thing......

Mostly toys and candy, maybe a few stickers here and there.

Oh and also, toddlers, for some reason go BAT SHIT over these videos of people opening plastic eggs filled with junk toys. Like they get crazy obsessive. 

Did I mention that MY toddler stumbled upon this abomination while watching a Mickey Mouse show on my phone?  It's now been two months and her brain has been harvested..... 

Our favorite videos are from DCTC with Amy Jo and Brandon and also one other father/daughter duo.  Outside of being a visual time suck, I don't mind them too much especially when they're babysitting my kids.   *Probably shouldn't say that* *but that's me for you*

But......   Zo is getting kind of creepy with the stuff.  At first it started with her leaning in to my ear and eerily whispering "What's inside? What's inside, momma? What's inside???". 

 In the beginning it was just creepy, then hysterical, then I got to the point where I was so traumatized I just screamed " I DON'T KNOW?!?!?! GWENETH PALTROW'S HEAD?????!?!?!?!?!?!?" . 

I'm guessing that wasn't the right answer, especially since there's just no explaining why I'm screaming that Gweneth's head would be in a surprise egg.  I mean, it's not a box, but how many times can someone whisper "What's inside" before your brain automatically goes to that scene in Seven. 

23... 

That's how many times it took before I said  it out loud at least.

Now that she has watched approximately 500 videos of Surprise Eggs, Zo is on this kick. I don't honestly know what it is, I'm so confused. I'll pick a video for her to watch then she runs back to me screaming that she wants " COOL SURPRISE EGGS!", so I tell her I gave her cool surprise eggs and she'll yell back: 
 "NOT THESE ONES, THE COOL ONES!".

 And I'm not even sure what to do because:
 "WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? WHAT ARE COOL SURPRISE EGGS? WHY ARE THESE ONES NOT COOL? WHAT CONSTITUTES COOL  TO A TWO YEAR OLD? IS THIS IT? AM I THE MOTHER OF A TEENAGER? WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!?!?!?!?!??".  

 
Then I spend 20 minutes pulling up videos from everything to Hello Kitty, Spider Man, Frozen, basically every video she has watched a million times until she decides on a 'cool' enough video. 

And that's Surprise Eggs, from a mom's point of view.........  

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Sunday, November 8, 2015

The 10 ways kids are totally genius

I like to think that by now my crazed screams are like a sweet lullaby to my neighbors ears. A sweet cadence flowing through the walls to the tune of "You're not listening to me!", "Why aren't you listening?", " No, no, No, NOOOOO!!!!!!", and the ever popular , "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?".

Such a peaceful serenade. The sounds of my people.

But recently my kids have shown me the error of my ways. They're not disobeying, defying, or rebelling. No way Jose'. They're are showcasing their genius. My kids are way more intelligent than myself.

In fact, since learning how right they actually are and how wrong I truly am, I've decided I need to share this new revelation with ALL parents. Everywhere! Around the globe! You all need to bow down before your baby geniuses!

The old saying is so true you guys, kids are way smarter than their parents, and we were in fact born yesterday.
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1.) You're so right, urinating in our heating vent has totally changed the smell of our house, for the better. 

2.) I totally see it now! Placing ALL the glasses into the dishwasher right side up is an absolute time saver! Now when we empty it we'll wash the floor and get a shower, AT THE SAME TIME! Genius!

3.) How right you are, AGAIN, my coffee cup really does make an excellent home for that spider. 

4.) Mmmhmm, that wall is way prettier with an oil pastel mural. How did I ever doubt you?

5.) Incredible, I totally get it now. A quicker way to brush your Barbie's hair is to stick her head in front of the vacuum. 

6.) WOW! Would you look at our coffee table. Those Mickey Mouse stickers definitely give it character. 

7.) Oh my, I just love the new texture of our living room carpet! What's that you say? It's strawberry milk and gold fish crumbs. Terrific! 

8.) Thank God you put my cell phone into the toilet. It's never worked better!!!! 

9.) I totally understand why you rubbed your spaghetti into your hair. The scalp has amazing taste receptors. 

10.) Yes, how right you are, as always, an entire bottle of mommy's expensive shampoo DOES  makes an excellent bubble bath..........


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