Ducky Diaries: October 2015

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Driving through the dark

 Wow!  No posts for an entire month. I think that's a new personal best for me.

It's been a rough few months to say the least. There have been times where I've genuinely thought about just shutting this whole site down, but, I'm not ready for that. Plus I would be really sad about it after spending so much time here....   Can you believe we've been hanging out since 2011?!?!?!?  Crazy right?  I can't believe it myself.  Plus, even though I think there's only like 5 of us who are still reading my posts (yes I'm counting myself, someone's gotta proof read, lol. ) I'm hanging on for you. And partly because I would be really sad if my favorite bloggers just up and left me hanging.

So, back to the elephant in the room, my absence.

I don't know if you can recall but awhile ago I sort of, but not really, touched on some personal things I had been going through, including finding out about the death of my father.

Read about it  HERE

Well, I found out back in April that my father whom I hadn't seen since I was 6 (but loved/ love very much)  passed away in 2,008.  Around July I was put in touch with my father's side of the family who I also hadn't seen in 28 years, including my big brother. It was a time of many emotions for sure.

Roughly at the same time I started becoming depressed and very angry. I tried to ignore it but I got pretty bad to the point that I didn't even want to get out of bed. I snapped at everyone, my kids, husband, friends....  I was in such uncharted territory. I began to feel angry. Especially at my mother who was the cause of my separation from my father. He and I were just pawns in her mentally ill head game. I felt robbed. I began to feel a familiar hatred for her that I had worked for years to let go of.  I was just becoming this person in a  constant vile mood.

I was confused by my own feelings and thoughts. I felt silly for grieving. Even felt angry at myself. I felt like I didn't deserve to grieve his death. I tried to convince myself that I didn't have the right to grieve losing him. I even felt too much time had passed since his actual death for me to grieve him.

As far as grief goes, there is no controlling it. And despite my best efforts there is no distracting it with your kids or plans to ignore it. 

I was in a bad place. I tried writing funny things here to mislead myself. My kids did easily play a big role in keeping me occupied, but, nothing was working. I still  felt horrible. Life sucked.  Everything seemed gray. Food, company, laughter, I just felt numb and when I wasn't numb I was mad.

But, the more time that went by spent with my newly found family the more I learned about my dad and myself. The more I realized that my grief was very real no matter how long ago he left this Earth. My grief was real and new and I had to allow myself to feel it to move past it and get back to living.

So slowly but surely I began to allow myself to grieve without fighting it. I cried when I needed to, I spent time with family, watched his funeral service (which thankfully had been filmed), talked about him, and this past weekend I sat down and wrote him a letter in preparation to finally visit his grave site.  I wrote as though I was going for an actual visit with him and poured out everything I've ever wanted to say to him if he were standing in front of me.

And then I read it out loud at his grave.

And I cried. Big fat ugly tears that smeared the ink on my letter until I felt like my brain was going to fall out of my temples and my eyes burned from mascara.

Then, I felt free. As though this boulder I have been emotionally carrying my entire life had been lifted, finally, from my shoulders. 

I've honestly never felt better. I'm still sad, but that's okay.  I miss him, I always will and sadly he'll never be here as my dad, but, he flows through my family, my brother, myself, and his D.N.A. flows through my children, so in a way, I'll always have him here when I need him. And when missing him gets to be too much I can go for a drive and sit with at least some part of him that's still here on this earth.

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