Ducky Diaries: January 2015

Saturday, January 31, 2015

2 to 20

Last night was hard. You're teething. Your canines are going to pop through your tender gums any day now and last night was the worst yet. You screamed your little head off even after medicine and savagely chewing on anything you were handed, including my hand. 

It was sucky for everyone involved. And then when I thought your screaming couldn't possibly get any louder since everyone in the house was woken up, you snuggled into me and fell asleep.  And as I lay there staring at you, while worn out and amped up at the same time I realized you looked so grown up.

Your teeny tiny baby face is fading and being replaced by that of a little girl. When did that happen?

I honestly am not sure. Time is so fast, you're so fast. Everything is so fast with you.  I don't remember anything at all it feels like. You're moving so fast and I desperately wish you would slow down. Darling daughter, unless by some magical intervention you are my last child. I know you have no idea or concept pertaining to anything related to child birth or rearing, but, you completed our family. Which makes it all the more magical and painful to watch you grow.

This whole whirlwind has left me confused. I can't remember certain things and yet here you are just a few months away from being two. I know it doesn't seem like all that many years but it's two years that have slipped through my fingers. 

I love you so fiercely.

You are hell on wheels. Just yesterday after being corrected for a behavior you pointed to yourself and told me you were the boss. 

I had to walk away due to laughter.

Oh Zo.

You can count to 10, although you like to use your own method. 2 , 3, 5, 6, 8, 9. 

You can say some of the alphabet. A, B, B, B, E.

You can sing Old Mac Donald. E-I-E-I-O.

You are OBSESSED with Frere' Jacques, we sing it every night.

You love circles, as though they are the only shape in the world.

Busses, oh my God, Becky, look at that bus. Busses are your unicorn.

I love you darling daughter, I guess what I am trying to say is that I know you are growing before my very eyes with crazy speed and I cannot stop you. I plead with the universe that we will always remain as close as we are.



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Wednesday, January 21, 2015

La La La, I can't hear you......

Today has been one of those days.  Like a 'write this shit down lest you ever think of having sex again', type of days...... 

I'm not going to lie, at this moment I am downing wine like there's nothing to do tomorrow.

I'm shaking and poised to bolt at the slightest noise that resembles a cry or "momma".

We hit the ground running at 5 a.m. today at Zo's demand for Mickey and we haven't stopped since.

Bear's bus got stuck this morning and was almost an hour late, so that only gave us ample time for a sibling rivalry to erupt. Which was great fun for everyone involved.  Thankfully reprieve finally came when he left and Zo passed out at 9:45 a.m. for a few hours. 

By noon she was up and running full speed.  And the "Why's" have started. I had a full on conversation about the bathroom door stopper during my shit break today. That was fun.

Zo : *pulling on door stopper and screaming*
Me : Zo that isn't going to come off honey.
Zo : Why?
Me : Because it doesn't. It has to stay on.
Zo : Why?
Me : It keeps the door from scratching the wall.
Zo : Why?
Me : I don't know kiddo... Can't you go play? Mommy's trying to poop!
Zo : No no momma.

Argh!!!!!   

Then Bear got home around 4 and things went smoothly for about 5 minutes before they were fighting some more.

Over a flipping piece of CHALK!!!  A piece of chalk the size of a pencil eraser. 

And in my mind all I could think was " SANTA CAN SHOVE THAT EFFING EASEL UP HIS ASS!!!!" ....  Not my proudest moment but whatevs.

I'll spare you dinner that Bear refused to eat and bath time where the kids decided to have a let's pour buckets of water on the floor at the same time and eat soap party.

That brings us to bed time. Joyous bed time where the ritual alone will kill you.

Bear is my good child when it comes to bed time. A bath, story, snuggle, a little soft music and he is done. Out like a like for 11 hours.  My preshuz angel.

Zo is on par with wrestling a wild Octopus mixed a ravenous hyena.  The writhing and screaming would be enough to make anyone nuts, but she likes to take it a special step further and really drive me over the edge. 

My sweet daughter has done this 'thing' since she was a breastfed newborn where she has to have her hand on my literal breasts to sleep.  Since she weaned at 17 months it's only gotten worse. She straight up claws at me digging her hand down the neck of my shirt and under my bra until she is happy.

But she's 20 months now and this 'thing' has basically turned into a fist fight with a wolverine.....  I have literal scars ya'll. On my teets from battling her hands off my boobie knockers. 

I was tempted to bite her chubby little hand off tonight.  She's lucky she fell asleep before my last rachet nerve fried.


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Thursday, January 15, 2015

1-09-15

Friday the 9th Bear went to his appointment to receive Botox injections into his legs and hips. Botox has shown to be highly affective for children with Cerebral Palsy. It basically fills and stretches the muscle groups that are tight and or seized up, as is common with CP.  It can also help to numb nerves that are misfiring and causing pain.

We were hopeful but also skeptical because for some children it doesn't do much at all.....










Each "X" is an injection site.  It was not a fun experience, at all, but within hours of being home we started seeing his feet relax from their usual pointed toe pose, his sitting was more controlled.  We had been told not to expect to see any results for 4-6 days so I was beside myself.

It only continued to get better the next 5 days days. I could take pictures of Bear and get an adorable shot the first attempt, as opposed to the normal 15 blurry pictures before getting 1 decent one.  He sat so still. His legs were able to be stretched out. He wasn't falling in every direction and hitting his head.

I was raving all the praises of this miracle drug!!!!

And then, just like that, Day 6 hit.

I watched my beautiful son go from crawling and playing to dragging his knees and feet behind himself while pulling forward with sheer upper body strength and then to rolling across the floor.

The world stopped. Tom and I stared.....

Bear learned how to crawl a few days before his 3rd birthday and hasn't looked back since. We haven't seen rolling in almost a full year. And yet, here he was rolling to get to his basket of toys.

I begged him to crawl to me and he wanted to desperately.  His eyes held so much confusion. His hips out stretched and his legs splayed beside him. He couldn't get his bottom half to do what he wanted it to, what he knew it should do. My heart shattered. How do you explain to your 3 year old that the medicine you thought was going to help him is working too well. That he's too stretched out?
How do you explain the fact that his only mobility has just disappeared. At least for the next couple of months until the Botox wears off? 

And just like that our miracle drug became a nightmare.

No one warned us about this possible side effect, no one mentioned it. Not even in passing. So what now? 

Those were my thoughts last night while I watched my child yet again attempt to drag his body over to his toys. Breathing so heavily he was over working his lungs. His eyes so confused as to what the hell was happening to him.

After bed time I admitted defeat and drank an entire bottle of wine to myself while Tom drank some beer and shot some people on a video game, because quite frankly we both needed to detach ourselves.

We felt like we had let our trusting child down. So completely. 

I don't know where we go from here. Honestly I don't want to go anywhere from here.  I'm hoping that this is just a glitch and after a week or so things will get a little more close to normal and Bear will regain the ability to crawl as he adjusts to the affects of his Botox treatments and that I will go back to singing it's praises.

But for now I'm just going to look at this and laugh because it's "literally" perfect at the moment.
 
And I'm going to look at this because it makes my heart happy.
 
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Wednesday, January 7, 2015

We are not dead.....


I repeat, we are not dead.....

We are in fact all recovering, finally from a bout of flu that we passed around for 3 weeks and lasted our entire winter break. Starting the week before Christmas. Fa la la la la eff it ALL!!!

The saddest part of this, however is that I did NOT lose one fracking pound.  Not a single one. I did gain three though.   They keep me warm and fuzzy.  Heh!

So suffice it to say that we're all looking like turtles around here, slow and steady, attempting to get back into the swing of routines and early risings. 

This week has been a whirlwind of getting on the ball with Bear's next round of appointments.

Starting with Botox injections in his hamstrings Friday, another hearing screening the following Friday and some surgery soon after that. Weehaw!  We like to do it big around these parts!!!! 

We're hopeful that his Botox injections will give him more mobility in his hamstrings, ankles and help ease the tip toeing. What we're really hopeful for is that this will increase his ability to take steps! I know it won't happen overnight but studies of children with Cerebral Palsy who get Botox show a lot of improvement.  So, ya know, fingers crossed.  Do it! Cross them!!! Hard! 

The main downside of the injections though is that they do wear off in roughly 3-6 months, so I'm still a little nervous that we're going down a potentially irreversible road. :\  But at the same time it beats actually cutting him open and performing surgery to stretch his hamstrings. Which may not end with much improvement and a whole lot of pain, possibly for the rest of his life.  Heavy stuff. Really heavy stuff.

Total tangent but I think the decision making process is one of the hardest parts of being a special needs parent. "Am I doing the right thing?".  It's always there, and we hope like hell that we are.

So! How about some pictures?



 
 
And also for my fellow adults, go ahead Google goggle it........ 



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