Ducky Diaries: August 2014

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Bear goes to school. Edition: Pre-K

Monday, my little Bear started Pre-K. Official school.

Okay so maybe not Kindergarten level official, but you know, truancy officer level official. 

So basically my heart has been walking around outside of my body for all of 4 days.  It's okay though.  We're okay. 

The first day we weren't.  No way.  It was bad. Gnashing of teeth, Defcon level 1, bad.  There were tears. 

Bear was lifted onto his shiny yellow bus in his wheel chair and was a little unsettled.  As he was being wheeled to his lock in position he realized mommy and daddy weren't coming with him. 

The next thing I know the screams start.  Then I see my 3 year olds tiny hands gripping a rail with all his might and pulling himself in his chair back to the door to see us.  All the while screaming in. 

It was horrific.  Definitely not a great thing for an uneasy mom and dad to see.  I had to repeatedly turn my head to keep him from seeing my tears.  D.I.C. was fighting the urge to yank him off the bus with a big ole' "Nope...... Maybe tomorrow.". 

It was like legal kidnapping. 

However, it was fine, we were all fine. Maybe not that first day, but all the subsequent days have been fine. Awesome even.  Bear loves his class and all his teachers.  And I'm officially up at the crack of dawn making lunches. 

We're officially a school family. 

Now, without further ado, here are the obligatory first day of school photos that you know you want to see. 

You're welcome. 




 
 
Looking for more reading material? Check out http://www.duckydiaries.com/2014/02/bear-goes-to-school.html.  

 photo cooltext1292211702_zpsc9a335dc.png If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers Don't forget to check out our "Exceptionally Special" page and "Tot Spot" for tips, tricks, and tidbits for the kiddos.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Dear Instagram,

NAILED IT!!! 


So recently I have realized that the photographic evidence of my life has hit the trifecta.  I live somewhere in the middle of "Crazy cat lady.", "Look at what my vagina produced!", and , "WTF is this?"..... 

I'm not really sure how I feel about that. 

Honestly, I think it's time to schedule a girls night and post a picture of an alcoholic beverage that say's "I'm still hip even though I smell like bleach and baby shit.". 

Yup, I think that'll do it. 




 photo cooltext1292211702_zpsc9a335dc.png If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers Don't forget to check out our "Exceptionally Special" page and "Tot Spot" for tips, tricks, and tidbits for the kiddos.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

School Days

I'm willing to bet you opened this page expecting to see pictures of Bear heading to school or a mommy rant about how I can't wait until August 25th and am counting down the days left between now and then.......

Nope.

I'm going to actually wait until August 25th, at approximately 10:00 a.m. to do all that nonsense. Because. There will be tears, a flood.   

However I am going to show you an adorable array of sub-par, black and white, overly edited pictures of my adorable 1 year old and her new friend "backpack".  Who, she loves.  And dare I say, is obsessed with.

Enjoy. 





Now if you'll excuse me,  my niece and daughter, see above, are crushing cheerios into my freshly cleaned carpet. So, you know, I should probably go. 
 photo cooltext1292211702_zpsc9a335dc.png If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers Don't forget to check out our "Exceptionally Special" page and "Tot Spot" for tips, tricks, and tidbits for the kiddos.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

"He's a cripple."

I'm no stranger to the stares of adults when they realize my son is different.  I'm even less of a stranger to children pointing and asking questions about Bear, it's a natural occurrence.  I understand. He's different, unique, we desire to know why.  Children especially.

However, today something happened that I was a stranger to.

Today, my son, was called a cripple.  My three year old.  My flesh and blood, the part of my heart that beats outside of my body and I was dumbfounded. 

Legitimately.

The whole scene folded out like a freak accident.  I just froze.  And thought, "Did that really just happen?".

It did. 

As my sister in law and I perused the aisles of a local thrift store, I got a bit ahead of her while looking at clothing when I noticed a familiar sight. 

A little girl no more than 6 years old was pointing at Bear and saying "Look" very quietly to her mother.  I smiled at her, Bear smiled at her.  We kept going forward.  

That's when I heard it, and felt it, like thunder beneath my feet and above my head at the same time.

"He's a cripple."

At first I thought I'd heard wrong.  I had to have heard wrong. 

What mother uses such a horrid term to describe a disabled child?

How does one teach such hate to her own child instead of using the moment to teach humanity, acceptance, tolerance, or love for fellow people?

"He's a CRIPPLE."

I just kept walking. My heart hurt. My mind was stuck between anger, shock, and sadness. I wanted to hug her daughter and talk to her about my son's disabilities and introduce them.  I wanted to turn around and scream at her mother. This stranger, who made me feel such deep emotions. I wanted to slap her across the face.

"HE'S A CRIPPLE."

I did none of those things.  I left her ignorance behind me, in the same place she chose to vomit such hate.  I kept walking. Grateful for the fact that my child does not know the word "cripple" among other words used to tear others down.  Grateful that I have taught and continue to teach my son that differences are beautiful.  Grateful that I teach my daughter acceptance, tolerance and above all else, love.

**************

I muttered a " Fuck you, hag!" and told Bear that his light up wheel's are the coolest thing mommy has ever seen, as we continued shopping. 

 photo cooltext1292211702_zpsc9a335dc.png If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers Don't forget to check out our "Exceptionally Special" page and "Tot Spot" for tips, tricks, and tidbits for the kiddos.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

A rose by any other name





"It's only your name that's my enemy. You'd still be yourself even if you stopped being a Montaque. What's a Montaque anyway? It isn't a hand, a foot, an arm, a face or any other part of a man. Oh, be some other name! What does a name mean? The thing we call a rose would smell just as sweet if we called it by any other name. Romeo would be just as perfect even if he wasn't called Romeo." 



The world of disability is often a tricky road to navigate.  Especially in the parenting realm.  The saying "you're damned if you do and damned if you don't" is so very true. 

If you say you accept and embrace your child and their needs you can be seen as a liar and or delusional.

If you say you would change the circumstances if you could, you're uncaring and unaccepting. 

But, what no one really talks about is the in between.  The grief. The process of true acceptance.  Of true love.  The process of being happy and moving on.  The truth that every single one of us is allowed to feel whatever the hell we want to.
 
******

I knew in my heart that my son was different, shortly after birth.  I don't know if it was his smell or just mother's intuition, but I knew that there was something special about Bear.  And by 5 months he was lagging so very far behind his peers developmentally.  

By 8 months he was in physical therapy for torticollis.  By 10 months his therapist pointed out his abnormal muscle tone.  By 11 months we had been referred to three specialists. 


"This is real. I have a child with special needs.", I thought to myself.

I realized I had to let go of the him I envisioned walking down a high school hallway wearing a football varsity jacket with flowing shoulder length blonde hair and daddy's dimple. 

I realized that Bear had always been Bear. He is exactly who he is. Always was and always will be. I just had to get to know him instead of the idealistic image of him I had before he was born.

I grieved, some days a little, some days none, some days I fell on his floor and wrapped myself in his blankets, while crying and yelling at the ceiling.  I grieved. 

-  I denied. I told myself it was a minor delay and that he would catch up.

- I was angry. At myself, it must be my fault.  At my husband. It must be his fault. At my son.
 "Why can't you just PICK UP THE DAMN SPOON LIKE A NORMAL KID AND EAT YOUR FOOD!?!?!?!"

- I bargained. "Just one delay.  Just one. I can accept one as long as he can do this, this, and this."

-I became depressed, and anxious.   To the point where PPD turned into Post Partum anxiety, OCD, and depression.  

- I started to Accept the circumstances our family was in.
  I started to accept that certain tasks were especially difficult for my son and that when he attempted them it was equivalent to me finishing an Iron Man.  I started to accept that my husband was on his own path of grief and I needed to let him be there. 

 And then one day I felt a little better. A little stronger. And each day continued to feel a little easier.

I dusted myself off and asked "what's on the agenda for today because if this is going to be our life we are going to live it.  FOR REAL.

We are living it.  Our whole family.  We live it everyday.  And life is good. 

It genuinely is.  


So be where you are and be okay with where you are emotionally.  Baby steps.  One day you will begin to accept the process of living with disabilities.   You will, I promise.   For now, do whatever you need to do to get through another day and know, your grief is real and it is okay. It's normal. 100%


 photo cooltext1292211702_zpsc9a335dc.png If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers Don't forget to check out our "Exceptionally Special" page and "Tot Spot" for tips, tricks, and tidbits for the kiddos.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Head Banger's Ball


A few days ago we had the pleasure of enjoying a beautiful day outside. We were celebrating with dear friends and their newly turned 3 year old.  Everything was going pretty well I thought. 

The kids had an awesome playground to play on, a volleyball court full of sand, which is the hot commodity for Zo at the moment. 

We snacked and had delicious cupcakes.  Just basically a kid party that really couldn't turn out any better. 

Then we got to present time.    Bear was content to watch his buddy open all birthday gifts, even though he tried to steal a few.  Zo was in my lap, getting a little wriggly.  

D.i.c. told me to let her down and he would watch her.  So I did.  Even though I should have known better. 

*THWACK!*

I will NEVER forget the sound for as long as I live. My world stopped as I turned around to see Zo lying motionless face down on pavilion pavement. 

My stomach dropped completely out.  My breath stopped while my heart sped up.  I cursed several times in front of a pastor. 

I scooped her up and held her tight and finally the screaming started.  Loud and pissed.  Boy was she pissed!  

D.i.c. told me that he wouldn't let her go to the sand pit and she got pissed and literally went from her feet to her face.  On pavement.   Her head bounced.   It happened so fast he had no time to stop it. 

WTF?!?!?!?!? CHILD?!?!?!??! 

Zo has been banging her head when she doesn't get her way for about the last 4+ months.   It is traumatizing and frustrating for all involved.  And sometimes, she really hurts herself.  

As a parent it's difficult for me to watch this behavior while being unable to stop her from doing it.  I'm hoping this is just a phase. Dear God, please let it be a phase.  Because, quite frankly, I don't know how much more I can stomach. 

Even if Baby Center says it's completely normal......


 
At the start of the party.  ^
Before the gnarly bruise, hospital trip, and concussion watch.



If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers
Don't forget to check out our "Exceptionally Special" page and "Tot Spot" for tips, tricks, and tidbits for the kiddos.