Ducky Diaries: The 5 lies I told my pregnant self.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

The 5 lies I told my pregnant self.

When I found out I was pregnant I was filled with a mixture of emotions.   I was scared, excited, and hangry, so pretty much normal.  

I was aglow with new motherhood and sweat.  I was a pregnant goddess, and I also knew that I was going to be a better mother than anyone else. 

My kids would be perfect cherubic, quiet angels and I would be Mariah Carey at the park in an evening gown. 

These all seemed  like completely acceptable and attainable quests to me in my deluded state of mind.  

However there are 5 LIES I told myself that still make me giggle, maniacally to this day.  Mostly because when I look around the life I live is so different than the life I imagined.  So I've decided to share my lies with you.  

Hopefully some of you can relate or at least get a good laugh out of the following list of lies I told myself while pregnant:

1.)  I would NEVER be the mom who lost her sense of style after popping my tiny humans out.

Pre kids....   I spent much of my entire teenage and adult life a slave to the newest fashions, even the painful ones.

After kids: 
HAHAHAHAHHA!     Nothing says fashion forward quite the way a silk screened vest on a t-shirt and flannel pants do.  This outfit only varies slightly for my day to day outings or when I'm forced to go to work dressed as a functioning  adult.  

2.) MY house will ALWAYS be cleaned and organized.  No adults need to be subjected to toys everywhere.  That is what a child's room is for! 

After kids:

The general consensus is that my house is always a mess.  Toys are ALWAYS present in and on every orifice.  Dolls are known to be found bathing in our toilets, laundry is always threatening to crush me, food crust creeps along the carpet and furniture, and we live by the general motto that you enter any room at your own risk. 

3.) MY kids will ALWAYS  be dressed for the day upon waking.  MY kids will NEVER be allowed to wear pajamas all day or worse, spend an entire day in their diapers!!  Ugh, how tacky!

After kids:
My kids, my real life kids, are seldom "dressed for the day" or out of their pajamas.  And my real life kids happen to love wearing nothing but their diapers.  And honestly, I could care less at this point.  Anything I can do to save even one load of laundry from needing me to do it is A-OKAY in my book!

4.) MY kids won't be allowed to watch television until after their second birthdays and even then they will watch no more than 30 minutes of television per day. 

After kids:
BAHAHAHHHA!!!!  Besides who else but Mr. Noodle from Sesame Street is going to teach my children the correct way to put on their sweaters? 
WHO ELSE!?!?!? ME?!?!?!? 
I'm too busy trying to take a shit without an audience. 
5.) MY kids will be potty trained at a super early age because they will be miniature geniuses.
After kids: 

Whether or not my real life actual kids are miniature geniuses or not is something yet to be seen, however, we will be in diapers until college if it is left up to me because, really, who the eff has time for this potty training nonsense?!?!?!?!

The only interest my children have in toilets is throwing non poop items in them or trying to stare between my legs to see what I'm doing......  

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