One post in a month!? How did that happen? ERMAHGERD! Ducky! Bish where you been!!?!??!?
Apparently not here.
And you have an entire bottle of wine that you LET go bad!!?!!?!??!
The short answer? I have no time to myself.
The slightly longer answer, my kids.... They is crazy. And no longer calm gelatinous goo that will stay wherever I drop it. Kidding! I don't drop my kids. I just let them sort of slither from my grip, or writhe like the possessed until they take me to the floor with them.
And along those lines, while I'm at it I have something to say....
I sincerely think if I could go back in time before giving birth and get one wish that wish would be that someone would tell me the god damn truth about what it's really like having children.
For example, totally acceptable answers would have included the following:
-That my meals would consists of cold coffee and whatever cheerios I pull off their thighs and ass cheeks as they're scurrying from the table. After refusing to eat any of their food while gobbling all of mine!
-That diaper changes would rival maneuvering an Octopus into a pair of underwear.
-That diapers would last all of 4 + years with no end in sight. And you as a mother will eventually have to borrow a diaper for yourself especially when your children want you to jump. On anything. For any reason.
-That asking them to stand still is equivalent to human torture and everyone in a 5 mile radius will know this by the fact that my children are screaming at the top of their lungs.
-That you will never know the joy and satisfaction of being done with laundry.
-That naps and bedtime are completely unnecessary and they do not give a SHIT if you've only been asleep for 1.5 hours. 3 A.M. IS THE PERFECT TIME TO PLAY! WAKE UP MOM!
-That children do not understand nor give a rats ass that their parents have to work. They are going to scream as though you are gone forever and they do not care that it makes your heart drop into your stomach.
-That your house will be covered in textures and smells that only the bravest are willing to try to figure the origins of.
-That if you breastfeed, there will come a day when your child tries to run with your nipple clenched between their teeth.
-That your child will attempt to use your shirt to pull themselves up in the middle of a very busy grocery store and expose your breasts to everyone around you.
-That at some point in your parenting career your children will shit, up to their necks.
-That if you have multiple children they will get a stomach virus which causes them to project bodily fluids out of every orifice, within hours of each other.
-That even if you still like your spouse after having children it will be damn near impossible to find the time to have sex.
-That you will forget the diaper bag at some point and you will be somewhere that has ZERO supply options.
-That they will at some point wipe something really gross and slimy across your face or stick it in your mouth.
-That you will look at your children every day and fall even deeper into love with them than you thought possible.
And lastly, that all the cold coffee, stale ass cheerios, poop explosions, tantrums, lack of sex, interrupted sleep, back talking, mess making, and trying times are so worth it.
And there you have it. The real reason I haven't posted in a month. I hope you bishes liked it because this girl < ---------- Just renewed her domain for another entire year!
P.s. If you like me, really, really like me click the TOP MOMMY BLOGS badge located at the top of my page and the bottom \/ to vote for me. The more love you send my way the more love I can send others.
Don't forget to check out our "Exceptionally Special" page and "Tot Spot" for tips, tricks, and tidbits for the kiddos.