Ducky Diaries: Shoe full of pea

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Shoe full of pea

You know that moment when you're exhausted while doing the dishes and clearing your fridge of your leftovers?  

That moment where you mistakenly dump an entire Tupperware of peas into your shoe instead of the trashcan?

That moment that you don't notice.

Followed by that moment the next day when you go to slip on said shoes full of peas?  

Well, I do. 

And as I cussed and felt a wave of anger and disgust roll over me I wondered "what the hell brought me to this point?!"  How did this happen?  How could I even do that? 

Plain and simple? 

I am tired.  Physically exhausted.  We have been bed sharing for 9 months and 2 weeks, to the day.

I often hear "well that was your choice." But it wasn't, really,completely.  Because my sweet daughter would refuse to sleep anywhere but on me or with me from literally the hour she was brought into this world.  Her screaming was so loud that even the hospital nursery refused to keep her for longer than an hour at a time.   I was fine with that. She needed me.  She had just been thrust into this cold scary world, ripped out of her cozy uterus she inhabited for 10 months and 8 days. 

I understood that. 

And until about 3 months ago bed sharing was perfect.  I assumed that like my son, she as well as us would know when our time was up and we would gradually transition to her crib, gently.  But there is no 'gently' when you're dealing with an angry tiger, folks.

Bed sharing is something everyone has an opinion on.  For the record, I don't want to hear yours.  If you think I am a reckless parent, your opinion.  If you think it is dangerous, your opinion.  If you think it is the best thing in the world, your opinion.  Keep it to yourself.

With that said,

My daughter right at this moment is C.I.O. I am sitting outside of her room. This sucks.  I feel like the worst parent in the world already, I don't know how people do it. It has been 15 minutes with 5 minute check ins.

I am at my wits end.  I am at the pivotal moment of proverbially throwing in the towel and shipping her to boarding school. 

Probably not, maybe not, not....   But I am still exhausted.  And the saying "Every baby is different" is no more obvious than the parallels between my two children.   

Boo bear was an independent little son of a gun from the get go.  He was okay with snuggles and pre bed snuggles but after 4 months old he would writhe, kick, wiggle, grunt, swing his head around until he was placed in his crib by himself.   Just to clarify because I am the type of parent that has no qualms about crawling into my childs crib if I deem it necessary.   He had no issue holding his own bottle or hanging out playing while I finished what I was doing, in a close by room. 

Zo, has been unwilling to let go of the other end of the umbilical cord for quite some time, even when I am trying to yank it out of her hands.  She will not sleep alone, 99 % of the time, she will not allow me to go into another room without notifying me by screaming her head off, accompanies by large crocodile tears that she cannot see me.  She has caused me to fall quite a few times by crawling under, around, and on my feet and legs. She is one of the neediest babies I have ever met.

Not that I am complaining, okay so I am.  I just need a break.  I need my shoes not to be full of peas.  I need to not have to hide from everyone in my house just to breathe. 

So I am venturing into the land of C.I.O. which I don't necessarily agree with, but at this point if someone told me putting her in a bird cage covered with a blanket would work, I might try it.  Kidding, totally kidding.  Mostly.

If you don't hear from me in a week it's because one of two things is happening.

1.) She's still crying
2.) She won and I am weak. 

*Update.

After 15 minutes she is sound asleep.  I went in to comfort her and gave in to holding her closely. I hate C.I.O. but  I stuck to my guns and placed her back in her crib and twirled her hair between my fingers.  She fell asleep. 

Maybe C.I.O. isn't the devil after all.....   We shall try this again tonight.

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1 comment:

Gomer Pile said...

I had to do the C.I.O with Truth, every night for 3 weeks, sometimes it's almost to that point still. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't sleep in my bed (regularly) but he STILL asks every night. The amazing par is he is independent, but still wants to be close.
Let me just say that first week broke my heart. Every single night he screamed, bounce on his mistress standing, threw out his favorite can't sleep with out bear rag, blanket, ripped the sheets off the mattress red faced and screaming bloody hell for over an hour, did I say every SINGLE night. Then when he woke up 4 hours later wanting to eat (2 hours before I had to be up) he did it again, every single night. That week I leaned against the doorway crying my eyes out, full on silent sobbing, snot running down my face, crying. But e dry night his sobs turned to hitches, which turned to baby mumbled curses, aimed at me I am sure. The fitful sleep, which ended in sound restful baby oblivion. The second week I made it down the hallway where I sat and hugged the wall crying, with a Kleenex to deal with my nose, and it was only 20 minutes before his curse mommy mumbles turned to rest. Week three I ate my feelings at the kitchen table, but only for 10 minutes.
I know! It is horrible, but after week three he played with his bear rag for about 5 minutes, no crying, then zzzzzz, and enjoyed reading my book :)
Best of luck! You will make it through this!