Ducky Diaries: I forgot you were here

Monday, March 17, 2014

I forgot you were here

"Why did I even bother leaving the house at 8:00 a.m. if you're just going to cut me off every time I speak?"

This is what my husband said to me after our meeting with the preschool psychologist who was evaluating Bear for preschool and therapies, this afternoon. 

I was taken back by his sentence.  "I didn't cut you off!  What are you talking about? When?"

And when he told me I realized, yes, I had jumped into his sentence.... And then taken it completely over.... 

I felt horrible.  I felt horrible because it's something I have become accustomed to doing.   Not allowing him to speak at important meetings for Bear's well being and needs, and appointments, and anything, really, important pertaining to Bear. 

I must be a really horrible person.  But I'm not.  I swear. 

When Bear's problems and lack of meeting milestones first started showing themselves, D.i.c. was the first and the loudest to assure me that he would grow out of it all. He would wake up one day running.

 D.i.c. would point at me, and say "You'll see!", "You're so negative!", "There's nothing wrong with my son."..........   

I was alone, because there was something wrong with my son.....  It was as if we were seeing two different children.   My husband didn't see what I saw, and I knew what he saw was a hopeful illusion covered by rose colored lenses.  

So this is where it began.   I had to talk over him at specialist appointments regarding Bear, because he would downplay issues or even lie.  It became my duty to fight.  Even when that fighting was aimed at my husband to assure Bear all the care and possibilities he deserved.  This has been my life for two years.

It is my duty to protect my children. It is innate.  When my children were each born I became a Mother, a protector, an advocate. 

And until today I just stomped through my husbands village, taken what I wanted. Silencing him. Taking his right to speak.  Forgetting he was there.  It was easier.

Easier to ignore someone who feigned ignorance rather than fight for his right to knowledge.  It was easier to ignore the person who refused to be educated than it was to fight for him to see the truth. 

Today, my eyes were opened.  I have grown so accustomed to him being behind the curtain that I never saw him step out.   He's been standing here by us, for awhile.  Somewhere along the lines he grieved and began to accept our son in all his glory and his different abilities and I never noticed.  He's been silently tagging along with us, waiting for me to see him, to remember him. 

When D.i.c. asked me that pivotal question today I had to step outside.  I had to breathe.  Tears stung my eyes.   "Why?  Why bother?!" I thought, "Because you are my partner, my rock, my best friend, my sons father....." .  "I need you to be there.".  "This isn't just MY job!."  

I went back inside and told him these things.   "Then let me speak up, let me be a part of it all." He said.

I've gotten so accustomed to him being my enemy that I never saw him wave his white flag.

* Parents, we are our children's front line of defense.  We need to work together, we need to be a team to achieve lasting success.   However sometimes, it's not possible. Especially when one parent refuses to acknowledge the child's needs.    An open line of communication is vital. Even if the other parent never comes around they should have the right to speak. 
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