Ducky Diaries: Is your significant other pregnant? 10 things you need to know.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Is your significant other pregnant? 10 things you need to know.

If your significant other is pregnant, than this is where you need to be.  

If you're a typical man/significant other, you aren't going to read the books your wife/significant other hands you, because, you got this!!! 

But the funny thing is, no, no you don't, because you really have no idea who and or what you are dealing with.      Pregnancy is a scary beast, but have no fear, I'm here to help.  

First lets clear something up right from the get go. 

This is not reality when it comes to pregnancy..... 

This is..... 
Now with that cleared up, we can get started. 

When dealing with the pregnancy beast remember that:

1.) Pregnancy is beautiful and she is carrying your child.  You did this to her, and that is ALWAYS the point.  Shake your head yes, apologize, go buy her some damn ice cream.   

2.) If she cries, make sure it's not your fault.  If it is, you should probably go to the store and buy something nice/ tasty for her.  If it's not, go buy something nice/tasty for her.

3.) Don't buy her clothing. And if you do, don't buy her something 4 sizes too big and proclaim you wanted her belly to have room.   Get her a gift card to the snazziest maternity boutique and perhaps a spa package.

3.) If you like your recliner/flat screen/ couch/ coffee table where it is, never leave her unattended in the living room for more than 30 minutes.    "Nesting" is a need to clean/rearrange your home and it is real, and she will move an entire living room set in your absence when she swears she was just going to vacuum.

4.) Also, if you want that tasty 5 layer beefy cheese burrito you just brought home, don't leave it unattended, it will be gone when you return.

4.)  Don't leave her alone in the baby section of a store, she's going to find something to buy because "Omg! Wook at these itty bitty witttle shoesies Daddy!!!!!"....   

5.) Get your mind out of the gutter, "Daddy" isn't a sexual name.  Once you have kids, you will call each other "Mommy and Daddy".   You may even forget her actual name by the time your child turns two.

6.)  At some point, her boobies will start leaking...  She may start to feel differently about her lady bits. If she asks you to leave them alone, DON'T TOUCH THEM!  Boobies, which men are so fond of, serve a dual purpose.  Sexual and Food.  Once they become food, you will have to share.

7.) Further along in her pregnancy she will lose the ability to see her toes and vagina- Man up.  You need to learn to color in the lines (paint her toenails) and wield a razor with gentle precision. If you can't do that, pay for a pedicure and NEVER mention that she resembles a Chewbacca chia pet.  

8.) After the 7th or 8th month, you will be sharing your half of the closet.  Get over it.  Your shirts and sweat pants are way more comfortable than some of the most rumored 'like silk' maternity wear.

9.)  In the first trimester you're going to deal with her puking, in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters you're going to witness her pee herself.   Don't make fun of her or act grossed out.  Guess what once your baby arrives you'll be dealing with all of that including poop, for a few more years.

10.) If she wants you to read the "Dad" chapters in 'What to expect when you're expecting', just do it.  

And there you have it....   Your top 10 list for pregnancy.  Brought to you by my husband who told me that since I've been pregnant before 'my hormones should be used to it all'.    If I were to add an eleven, it would be to never say something that idiotic to your pregnant wife.   

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