Ducky Diaries: February 2013

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Is your significant other pregnant? 10 things you need to know.

If your significant other is pregnant, than this is where you need to be.  

If you're a typical man/significant other, you aren't going to read the books your wife/significant other hands you, because, you got this!!! 

But the funny thing is, no, no you don't, because you really have no idea who and or what you are dealing with.      Pregnancy is a scary beast, but have no fear, I'm here to help.  

First lets clear something up right from the get go. 

This is not reality when it comes to pregnancy..... 

This is..... 
Now with that cleared up, we can get started. 

When dealing with the pregnancy beast remember that:

1.) Pregnancy is beautiful and she is carrying your child.  You did this to her, and that is ALWAYS the point.  Shake your head yes, apologize, go buy her some damn ice cream.   

2.) If she cries, make sure it's not your fault.  If it is, you should probably go to the store and buy something nice/ tasty for her.  If it's not, go buy something nice/tasty for her.

3.) Don't buy her clothing. And if you do, don't buy her something 4 sizes too big and proclaim you wanted her belly to have room.   Get her a gift card to the snazziest maternity boutique and perhaps a spa package.

3.) If you like your recliner/flat screen/ couch/ coffee table where it is, never leave her unattended in the living room for more than 30 minutes.    "Nesting" is a need to clean/rearrange your home and it is real, and she will move an entire living room set in your absence when she swears she was just going to vacuum.

4.) Also, if you want that tasty 5 layer beefy cheese burrito you just brought home, don't leave it unattended, it will be gone when you return.

4.)  Don't leave her alone in the baby section of a store, she's going to find something to buy because "Omg! Wook at these itty bitty witttle shoesies Daddy!!!!!"....   

5.) Get your mind out of the gutter, "Daddy" isn't a sexual name.  Once you have kids, you will call each other "Mommy and Daddy".   You may even forget her actual name by the time your child turns two.

6.)  At some point, her boobies will start leaking...  She may start to feel differently about her lady bits. If she asks you to leave them alone, DON'T TOUCH THEM!  Boobies, which men are so fond of, serve a dual purpose.  Sexual and Food.  Once they become food, you will have to share.

7.) Further along in her pregnancy she will lose the ability to see her toes and vagina- Man up.  You need to learn to color in the lines (paint her toenails) and wield a razor with gentle precision. If you can't do that, pay for a pedicure and NEVER mention that she resembles a Chewbacca chia pet.  

8.) After the 7th or 8th month, you will be sharing your half of the closet.  Get over it.  Your shirts and sweat pants are way more comfortable than some of the most rumored 'like silk' maternity wear.

9.)  In the first trimester you're going to deal with her puking, in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters you're going to witness her pee herself.   Don't make fun of her or act grossed out.  Guess what once your baby arrives you'll be dealing with all of that including poop, for a few more years.

10.) If she wants you to read the "Dad" chapters in 'What to expect when you're expecting', just do it.  

And there you have it....   Your top 10 list for pregnancy.  Brought to you by my husband who told me that since I've been pregnant before 'my hormones should be used to it all'.    If I were to add an eleven, it would be to never say something that idiotic to your pregnant wife.   

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Kids are funny......

Looking! 

ZING! 

Okay so in all seriousness, this post is more for me than anyone else that happens to come across it.  

It has been one of those days folks.   You know, those days where your finger hovers dangerously close over hitting enter after typing in Ebay...   One of those days where you contemplate selling your most cherished item, as in, your child(ren).  

Yes, one of those days.   

It goes without saying I love my son.  With every fiber of my being, but my Lord has he been on a mission to destroy me today.   I wish I could say I was joking...  


So while taking a break from him and letting Daddy have all the fun, I sat down at the computer and came across some fun pictures of the little boy that came dangerously close to being sold on Ebay.  

And I was instantly reminded of why I could never sell him.     

P.s. Is it me or does my son make little old Italian man faces a lot?   Definitely my genetics.


 

 5 months old and only God knows what this face is. 

 9 months and already contemplating mommys destruction. 
 

 5 weeks and totally chilling in his steamy bath.   My little  Godfather. 

" Sweet potatoes... Eh, I can take em' or leave em'.     Capisce?!"  (Capeesh)

"No way Mom! You can't be serious!"  

 Christmas 2012....  Clearly he's a heartbreaker. 

Gearing up for his flash dancing audition.  

 Being way too cute for his own good!  

Attempting to bite off my boob????    Definitely his fathers son.  

Saturday, February 2, 2013

About to give birth? Here's a guide to surving your hospital stay-cation.


It has in fact been awhile since I had my son, almost 20 months to be exact, but there are a few things I do remember about giving birth. And since, I'm insane enough to do it again in a few months, I thought I could share a little knowledge about your upcoming "Hospital Stay-cation".  

For the veteran mommies, feel free to add anything in the comments section if I've missed something and maybe even add your story if it is completely different.  


Here's a little list I have compiled.
  1. DO PACK A HOSPITAL BAG! 
You will be there for the duration of your labor and then normally an additional 24-72 hours after that.  Or if you're like me, almost 6 days.  


     2. Outside of the normal Hospital bag items, bring along hair ties if you prefer to wear your hair up, and even headbands that go all the way around your head, they are awesome during labor.

 Your cell phone and charger! 

 Extra batteries for your camera if you plan on taking a camera. 

Magazines, crossword puzzles, books to read (outside of staring at your newborn, nursing,  healing, and getting your vitals checked every few hours you will find that insomnia can  become a new mothers worst enemy.  And the high of having a baby will strike at some point.


*COMFORTABLE clothing! 

New moms, unless you never gained an ounce in your hips and manage to wear your pre-pregnancy jeans the whole 9 months, don't bring them to the hospital. Like it or not, your belly does not magically shrink back to it's 6 pack abs status for a few  weeks-months.   Pack slippers, flip flops, comfy socks, flowy shirts/ sweaters,dresses (if you deliver in warm months or climate)  leggings, soft pants, or your maternity pants.  Even comfy robes (Which are AWESOME-SAUCE for breast-feeding in hospital).   Trust me, you just gave birth, visitors will not expect you to look like Miss  U.S.A.



 *You will be supplied with 100% mesh boy short underwear, because you will also be supplied adult diaper sized pads!  You will bleed quite a bit and NO you cannot wear tampons during your post partum healing time.   If you want to take your own underwear, be prepared for it to be ruined and make sure they are cotton, and not restrictive. 


*If your spouse plans on staying the duration of the hospital stay have him pack a bag for  himself as well equipped with things to stay occupied. 


Here are a few other helpful hints for your stay-cation. 


*Do not be afraid to speak your mind to the hospital staff caring for you.

  The old saying "The squeaky wheel gets the oil"  is true. 

If you are miserable, speak up.   I had an IV in my hand for a pre-delivery infection (U.T.I.) for 3 straight days.  My hand was red, inflamed and hot to the touch, and my ability to feed, and hold my son were diminished do to being hooked up to a metal pole and a constant drip of meds. Showering was a hassle due to having to have my hand wrapped before I could take a shower. Which meant I had to wait for a nurse to help me.   And my husband and I were stuck in a small cramped room with no space.    
        
It really impacted my mood.  By the end of the 3rd day I was a sobbing mess!  The nurse tried to tell me I was just emotional due to having a new baby.  But I knew that wasn't right!  I spoke my mind.  An the IV was removed and I was put on an oral antibiotic.  And within a few hours we were moved to a much larger room, with two beds, where we stayed for another 2 days.   Those small changes really helped. 


* To the best of your ability, keep track of your pain management!

 Set an alarm on your phone and if a nurse hasn't returned in time to administer your medicine, page them!  There's nothing worse that letting your pain kick in full force and holding off on your meds.

*Also, it may be easier to keep track of feedings for little one by setting an alarm for 2 - 2 and  1/2 hours  from the last feeding.   Your mind is frazzled, timers are your friend.   :)  


*USE YOUR PERI BOTTLE EVERYTIME YOU USE THE BATHROOM!
     
This is a fun sized squirt bottle you use to spray your lady bits after using the restroom.  It helps keep the area clean, thus helping keep infection out, as well, as it is generally soothing. 


*USE THE TUCKS WIPES.

 If you got hemorrhoids or stitches, these wipes are amaze-a-balls!!!! 


    -DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE NURSERY! 

Do not be afraid to allow your little one to be taken to the nursery until their next feeding.   Use that time to catch a break, talk to your spouse, snuggle them, call friends/ family (if you so desire) take a stroll around the hospital (if you're up to it) SLEEP, eat, shower, read, just take a little time to yourself.   The staff caring for your little ones are highly trained professionals and have been caring for newborns for a long time.  Plus, once you get home, everything changes as you and your family finds your groove and you and your spouse are left alone.



* A SECRET......  

You will probably have to watch a video on shaken baby syndrome and abuse while in the hospital. If you can get away with it, fast forward or turn it off (unless someone is making sure you watch it).  In my opinion I think it's cruel to force an overly emotional new mother watch something so horrific.

Spoiler alert, the baby is shaken and you will cry, throw up, sob yourself into convulsions. 



&  ANOTHER SECRET.....  

Whatever the hospital is willing to send you home with, take, and run!!!   Things are expensive ya'll!  And you'll probably want to stay home for a few days- few weeks after the baby is born.


And there you have it.  Advice to first time moms from someone who has been there.

 Now, if there are moms going on number 3 feel free to tell me what I should pack!!!!  

Do I pack things for my toddler to play with during visits?   Should I pack more since I'll be staying in the hospital by myself after the first night this time?     It's like I'm a virgin- touched for the very first time!!! Like a vir-ir-ir-gin!!!!    Hmmms, too far?