I post things from a funny perspective. Not tonight. I don't care if anyone ever reads this. I need to write this out of my head, I need the pain to subside. I need to transfer it to this small area of my quirky existence, just for a minute. It's getting too difficult to pretend I am going to wake up and all will be well.
We should hear back on one of the genetic tests Zachary has had. Do I think it will come back positive? I don't know? Do I think it will be negative? I don't know. Since his blood work, I talked with his pediatrician about his left pupil showing up in a multitude of colors in photos. She dimmed the lights and looked, there, in the bottom of his pupil, is the mass I suspected would be there. So, as it stands, genetic disorder, or cancer. Those are our odds.
As a mother,
It is possible to feel your heart break over and over throughout your child's life. However, this is not the reason you suspect it will happen. You hope he won't break your heart until he finds another love. A girl that is a lot younger than you, prettier, fresh. One that hasn't yelled at him about leaving his clothes on the floor for the past 18 years. Or when they leave for college and no longer need you. But, not this way. Not with the balance of life and health in the throes of the cruelest cross-hairs. If a heart could bleed I probably wouldn't be breathing.
I want to slam my fists against a hard surface until the knuckles break through, raw and bloody. Just to release the rage. I am so angry. I can't sleep, eat, or function properly. And add to the misery, the hospital my son is becoming so familiar with is of course the one I spent so much of my youth at, thanks to an abusive mother. I can't escape the misery. I want to take my boy and run far away. To a land with no more needles, doctors, or hurt. God, help me, before I lose it all. Just please give me some light.
Here's a video that has nothing to do with anything